My Path 

03/27/04
How long will I have to wait? Why does it still haunt me? Why won't it let me go? It's over and I want it that way, but why does it hurt everyday. Everything is a reminder. 

I called my true angel today. If it was not for her I don't know how if I would have made it. She was truly sent from heaven to help me through this time. Everyone else reminds me, but she does not. She is comfort and warmth. She is the only one I would truly open up to. I cried just at the thought of her. I left her without saying goodbye. It was the only thing I could have done. I could not deal with it. It made me sick to my stomach and the pain will not win. I feel destroyed. 

Everything is gone but the letter. One article of evidence is all it is left. The only thing that holds me back is it. It is the metaphor for the relationship. Sad and true. It is my only proof that she ever loved me, and even then who knows. I don't know if I will ever have the strength to rid of it. It's not the letter but the thought of love. How did I care so much for something that didn't care? It's all lies and deception in the end. Even though the pain will never see it as a lie, the pain led me along to believe in something. Deception, here I am.

05/17/04
I guess when you get right down to it you should be thankfull for all that you have now.  Too often I sit and dream about what I want and not sit back and see what I have acomplished.  When this all started I thought reaching this point was going to bring me the utmost joy.  Don't get me wrong I love where I am and what I do, but it all is meaningless with out someone.  When I try to breakdown the whole ordeal, I can't seem to place why am all bent out of shape.  I heard something the other day on TV that I think holds true in this situation.  What I miss is what could have been.  I always dreamed about what our lives could have been like based upon that one month.  One month changed my life.  I have never been happier than that one month.  I would gladly go on living my intire life as a flight instructor, if everything was like that month.  I hope to find that again.  My  proplem was the person.  I needed someone who loved me.  After all of this stammering I just want to meet someone.  Just someone.  To get my mind off all of this.  I can't take this for another six months.  The worst part is there is no one to talk too.  People are vunerable and week inside no matter what.  We all have are demonds.  Is it possible to realy be happy.  All I see around me is saddness.  Not all the time saddness, just moments that shinne through.  I don't know.
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